NaNo-isms

NaNo is over again, and it's time to read through that messy first draft and see what literary gems were created during November... This list will keep on growing :P

Funniest name: Difficult. It's either Trevor "Torture" Wouhl-Svetter, the local bully (whose mother, father, brothers and sisters all have similar names) or Nikolai Njetsosnuggerov, the Soviet spy who has been working undercow-er in the UK for the last 29 years (aka he's been disguised as a cow and hasn't realised the Soviet union ceased to exist a good while ago).

Best simile (or worst, depending on your point of view): "Quick as a ferret on wheels"

Most boring character. Ever. Harold Johnson

Best mob: The Stuff the Pony Festival Committee (consisting of a few ladies with an average age of 83) upon hearing that Superintendent Trenchcoat wants to cancel the village festival because of a recent murder

Coolest character: Tom Hockney the gardener - because he has three fume hoods and several cupboards full of chemicals (including concentrated nitric acid) in his basement

Best speech: "No thank you I really didn’t mean that you should buy me a flock of penguins, please return them to the zoo"-speech

Coolest dialect: That of Butterbrayne's cook, Jean-Pierre Maçon. He's from Baystonhill, near Shrewsbury."’Ello monsieur, we are almost ready, oui? Vous avez un peu de patience, s’il vous plait, oui?"

Coolest capital of Eastern Copenhagen: The IKEA in Wommels (lord Butterbrayne was a bit tipsy...)

Worst sense of direction: Plimsoll or Trenchcoat. Dunno who's the brains behind "From York to the Yorkshire Moors via Barcelona"

Most dramatic scene: Under the Olde Elm Tree, the village pub, has run out of Yorkshire pudding and steak and kidney pie... *dundundundun!*

Scariest scene: Any scene involving the ducks

Most random scene: Plimsoll trying to catch the poacher:

The very next morning, Plimsoll was kicked out of bed before six AM and only allowed to finish half his breakfast before Trenchcoat threw him out to catch the poacher. Thinking that poachers usually come out around dawn and dusk to drink at watering holes, Plimsoll hid behind the bushes near the village stream. The village stream was very small and rather muddy, but it had some nice plants which were not dead. Plimsoll sat there for hours, not daring to move in case he scared the poachers off. He was very careful and made no sound, but around noon, there was still not a single poacher in sight. It was then that he began to suspect that he might have confused ‘poachers’ with ‘Thompson gazelles’. He whipped out his pocket Oxford English Dictionary. Like all good dictionaries, this one also included a Thesaurus. This particular Thesaurus was purple and had beautiful sharp teeth and claws.
‘Morning,’ said Plimsoll absent-mindedly.
‘Dawn, daybreak, sunrise, break of day, cock crow, sunup, first light, crack of dawn,’ shouted the Thesaurus.
Plimsoll smiled a very strained smile. None of his friends had such a motivated and loud Thesaurus. He looked up “Thompson gazelle”. The entry was: “Animal of the African continent. Moves in large herds over the savannah and comes down to watering holes at dawn and dusk. Comes in packs, though not in six-packs.”
‘Strange,’ he muttered.
‘Weird, unusual, odd, bizarre, outlandish, eccentric, weird and wonderful, extraordinary, out of the ordinary!’ shouted the Thesaurus happily. Damn the animal, it would definitely scare all the poachers. Plimsoll looked under “poacher”. It said: “A person, usually an elderly fellow who lives on the Yorkshire Moors, who catches wildlife illegally. Not to be confused with ‘Thompson gazelle’.”
‘Oh bugger,’ said Plimsoll.
The Thesaurus said nothing. Plimsoll looked amazed. ‘You’re quiet,’ he said.
‘Silent, calm, hushed, soft, gentle!’ shouted the Thesaurus. It looked slightly happier now.
‘Oh, shut up,’ snapped Plimsoll.
‘Be quiet, say nothing, silence, stop talking, close up!’
Plimsoll hastily snapped his dictionary shut, forcing the Thesaurus to jump back into the book and be quiet, shut up, be silent, close up.